farmer, farmer, let me down
7.22.2005
It’s 4 pm, and I’ve reheated this morning’s coffee five times already. I fear that by now I’m drinking melted Styrofoam, released into my coffee 35 seconds at a time. The summer has been interesting so far. Somehow, it feels like my heart has had a few false starts, although I can’t explain in detail. I’ve been hopeful, despairing, heart-full, devastated. I seem to be balanced now.
Last week reminded me of when I first met my cousin-to-be Lance. He was three years older than me. My mother was about to marry his Uncle Bob. I was six.
We went to a “meet-your-new-family” picnic – slightly awkward, I must admit. Lance and I became fast friends. We ran around the playground tagging each other, having swinging contests, jumping from monkey bars.
It was his idea to go to the teeter-totters. They were long, splintery planks, painted sky blue. I took my position on the low end. Lance reached up and pushed the high end down, easily swinging one leg over. We teeter-tottered with relative ease.
After a few minutes, I started to feel panicked. What if Lance suddenly decided that I wasn’t the cousin he always wanted? What if he held me in the air and wouldn’t let me down?
I started to cry, but not visibly. I’ve always been watery-eyed, able to bear sadness in private. The burn stays behind my eyes and as long as I don’t move that lump from the center of my throat.
And then I did what I knew would protect me. When my end touched the powdery dirt, I slid backward. I launched myself back from the teeter-totter with both feet. I moved from sitting to frog position to standing and running away before I heard Lance slam into the earth on the other side.
“Amy! Amy! What’s wrong?”
He meant it. He really wanted to know.
I just ran away, back behind my mom’s car, and waited until he stopped looking for me. Until I stopped crying. Then I went back to the party. I didn’t meet Lance’s eyes again. Not even when he passed the soccer ball my way on the open field. Not even when he filled up my red punch.
That’s the best way to describe what I’ve felt lately.
Running from the thoughts in my head.
Running from people, because I’m afraid they’ll let me down first.
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